I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
