I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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