sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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