My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
