I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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