can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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