i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
