Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize