i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
