Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
