Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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