she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
