I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize