really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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