I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
