Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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