i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
