i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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