just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
