had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
