my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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