you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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