I'm so fucking centered right now
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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