Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize