it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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