It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Found the puke drawer
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
