I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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