I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I'm having to shit out rocks
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