im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
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