Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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