I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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