Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
