Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Randomize