Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
