if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
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