She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
pop tarts are not kleenex
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
