Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
