that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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