I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
