I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
