My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
