if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
