plz talk dirty to me
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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