im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize