I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
50% drunk capacity currently
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
