the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
