I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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