Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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