I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
