If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
