It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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