i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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