I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
