When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
