Whatcha textin bout Willis?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
