Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
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