he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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