god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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